How to thrive when others are merely surviving.

Last week my wife caught me catastrophising. I realise for most of us, that’s not exactly an action or a verb we get “caught” doing often. But this time, it was most certainly a case of catastrophising. It was when my laptop’s screen died, and my desktop was also not exactly working well either. All my key data was still in the hard drive, but I had no ability to access it. I was reduced to waving my arms and using phrases like “my whole life is in that thing” and “I‘ve had it”. I then stopped sheepishly when I realised that I was guilty of the exact thing that I educate people not to do.

Much more recently, we’ve had a major financial crisis. Trillions were lost on the stock markets. The language used by the media included evocative terms like “meltdown”, “plummeting”, “panicking” and “desperate”.

When I was preparing my notes for a recent presentation, I realised that the key reality-forming steps that bring us from where we are to where we prefer to be lie in the language we use. Not just language in the big, important messages we live with, but everyday, little realities that shape the big picture. Here are some messages that many people may not like to hear, but are really what helps in making us thrive when others are merely surviving.

Learn to really, truly enjoy what you have: Joy in life is connected deeply with how we face each day, celebrating what we have, rather than what we don’t. If you drive a serviceable car, don’t let the flashy continental car that just went by make you feel a little green. Instead, count the blessings that you don’t have to rely on public transport. If you’re stuck in a sardine tin of a commuter train, think about how you can enjoy reading a bit of the free newspaper, and how this is so much better than having to walk to work.

Think small to get big goals: In the field of solutions focus consulting, a powerful way of getting what we want (and getting closer to our perfect world) in small steps, is to imagine, in movie terms, the sights, sounds and feelings of what our perfect world might be. Each is unique. By looking at what we need to do, instead of why what we do won’t work, we drive much more positive energy and motivation in getting what we want. But only if we realise we need to make small, but specific steps based on solutions.

There is no such thing as reality: There is no reality, only our own biased, perceptions of what is, as seen through our life experiences, cultural, educational and spiritual beliefs. By choosing to use language that fails to help us improve, we will never achieve our goals. If we get frustrated or concerned, should we be catastrophising as I did earlier in the week, or should we ask special questions? In one of my programmes transforming managers into leaders, we use what I term “power questions”. You can find these with practice and application to your own life.

These questions will force us to take a second look at our situation, or re-examine a set of possibly erroneous beliefs. The result will be the loosening of previously rigid positions, and inject some healthy ambiguity over dead certainties.

“You’ll never become a CEO.” Never? Says who, on what grounds, and what specific examples can you give to prove of show this? This kind of power question has the ability to turn around naysayers, gives hope, and often transforms a shaken team into a resolute, determined team.

When I look back on nearly two decades of mountaineering, in every difficult expedition, there was always a defining moment. In each of these, the success of the trip almost always turned on the kind of beliefs we had of our abilities, the weather, the challenges ahead and so on. But the most powerful was our internal language we used to shape our future.

So, move away from being mere “survivors” as these are sometimes bankrupt of positive belief, and energy, preferring to feel sorry for themselves, and remain consistently negative. Instead, look to those who seem to be miraculously thriving. Even if they have lost half their investments, possibly their jobs, they remain resolute in finding solutions, dreaming and doing things that bring them closer to their perfect world.

David Lim

Chief motivation officer

Everest Motivation Team

www.everestmotivation.com