As businesses expand and bring people closer, the most important element of success may be the ability to personalise your interaction in the business world. It can be uncomfortable walking up to someone, especially a stranger, to start a conversation. The fear of rejection and lack of confidence are possible reasons why many experience discomfort when initialising a conversation.
Once the initial discomfort subsides, the experience can often be a pleasant one. Being articulate and possessing effective rapport-building skills will go a long way in forging a positive, lasting image. Say things that will put your clients and associates at ease, connecting and engaging them with interesting conversations which demonstrate your professionalism and wit. Power conversations will give you the leverage you need to make a difference and puts you in control of any social or business situations.
1. Initiating a conversation
Openers do not have to be witty or brilliant. Chances are the receiver of these mundane lines will appreciate you making the first move and respond with sincerity. Even if you receive a yes or no response, a conversation can be developed with follow-up questions.
The best openers are general, emphasise similarity and safe. They are not threatening, risky or judgmental and the old notion about avoiding sex, religion and politics is also valid. Always choose positive statements and be thought of as upbeat and optimistic rather than a stick in the mud.
Thinking up of openers is fairly straightforward. You have only three topics to choose from - the situation (such current events and headliners), the other person, and/or yourself. There are three ways to begin:
- asking a question
- stating a fact
- giving an opinion
Topics can be virtually about anything: the weather, sports, movies, food, celebrities, business news, books and even political scandals. Begin a conversation with the general and move on to specifics once you've found points of connection.
2. Building rapport
Rapport is the process of entering another person's model of the world. This establishes trust and an almost unquestionable acceptance of suggestions. People in deep rapport usually tend to have matching body movements, breathing patterns, tonality and key phrases.
Pacing: Mirroring and matching
Pacing is the process of using and feeding back physical patterns of behaviour in order to match his or her model of the world. It involves having the flexibility to pick up and incorporate other people's vocabulary and behaviour into our own set of lingo and actions. This enables us to communicate with them through their language and ways of thinking.
Mirroring is one of the fundamental forms of ‘pacing'. Examples of mirroring are sitting in a similar posture, using the same gestures or speaking in a similar tone and tempo of voice and these actions often lead to the development of profound rapport with the person being mirrored. Beyond the physiological aspects of matching, cognitive strategies, beliefs and values can also be ‘matched' through the incorporation of language patterns and key words. This type of matching is the basis of ‘pacing' and is a fundamental mechanism of rapport and influence.
For example, if somebody says, "I feel we need to explore this in greater detail," you may say, "Yes, I understand your feeling about why you may need more time to consider..."
Leading
Leading involves the change of behaviour or way of thinking by subtly shifting one's own verbal or behavioural patterns in the desired direction. The idea of pacing and leading is to incrementally introduce somebody to changes in his or her world view by acknowledging and widening that person's model of the world.
For example, if somebody says, "I dread coming to events such as this...," you may say, "Yes, I would dread it too if I didn't know anyone which is why I'm determined to get to know some new people tonight. I don't believe we've met. I am...."
3. Sustaining a conversation
Initiating a conversation is the easy part. The challenge is to keep it flowing. How many times have you opened a conversation only to see it go nowhere and quickly fade away? The general rule here is that you have to assume that the other person is not well versed in these methods and accept the bulk of the responsibility for keeping the conversation alive. Make it easy for the other person to respond to your overture.
We said earlier that openers can and often are, closed questions. It needs to establish contact and sometimes the response you get may just be a yes or no. Once you get this response, you use follow-up questions to sustain the conversation.
Ask open questions that cannot be answered with a simple yes or no to encourage further exchanges. For example, asking "Do you come here often?" is an unimaginative closed question. If you had asked "What do you like best about this place?", it may lead to a variety of responses such as "The music here is great," or "I love the atmosphere!"
It's hard to be interested in someone who can only start a sentence with the word "I". People who are irresistible are those who are able to make others feel important.
Not recommended: "I really like soccer. I'm a big Man U fan."
Better: "What sports do you enjoy?"
Not recommended: "I come here all the time... I can't think of another restaurant I'd rather go to."
Better: "Do you have a favourite restaurant that you go to?"
These are simple but important changes in the way we communicate as they make us appear to be fascinating by focusing on the other person first. Learn what you can about the person you are with first and furnish details about yourself at a later time.
During the course of a conversation, others might give you plenty of bonus information. Take advantage of this information by channelling your conversation in new directions.
Consider the following (the bonus information is italicised):
Alan: You certainly dance well, Alice. Have you taken lessons before?
Alice: No... well, at least not formally. But I got a lot of useful tips from a friend who was a dance instructor when I was living in Beijing.
To take advantage of bonus information, make a comment or ask a (open-ended) question about it.
Macy: You have a nice tan, Grace.
Grace: Thanks, I got it from my fishing trip over the weekend.
Macy: I've never gone on a fishing trip before... what do you enjoy most about
it?
Bonus information can also be gleaned from the other person's attire or physical features. All these can be used as take-off points for conversation.
Connectors are best used on people who give short answers to open-ended questions to keep them talking by bridging their flow of thoughts and conversation. These include, ‘meaning?'; ‘For example?'; ‘Then you...?'; ‘Which means?'. Each bridge is usually followed by silence on your part.
4. Self disclosure
Self-disclosure means you are going to share a part of who you are with another person. People want to discover what the person they are communicating with is really like inside. You can promote self-disclosure by asking questions, showing interest in the responses you receive and linking those responses to your knowledge and experiences.
Once you start sharing more with other people, they will start sharing more with you. Such revelations build relationships, turning contacts into associates and strangers into friends. This is how rapport and relationships develop.
5. Giving and accepting compliments
Compliments are a welcome addition to small talk and an effective way to boost someone's mood. An ideal compliment has six elements: smile, make eye contact, use the person's name, deliver the compliment, explain why and follow up with a question.
Question: "Maria, I like your new hairstyle."
Better: "Maria, I like your new hairstyle-it's very chic and shows off your high cheek bones."
Follow-up question: "Where did you have it done?"
Do not deny, make excuses or belittle the meaning of a compliment. Accept a compliment graciously as rejecting one is tantamount to rejecting the person giving it. A simple thank you is enough.
Small talk is anything but trivial. People do business with people they know, like and trust. There is no better way for people to get to know you than by you talking and showing an interest in them. Most of this is done by:
- maintaining eye contact
- giving verbal and vocal acknowledgement and encouragement
- being with the other person through "whole-body" listening
Talk to anyone and anywhere, and you'll find that power conversations can be highly effective tools for change that can move people and organisations forward. By simply changing the way in which conversations are framed, incredible possibilities for the future become real.
Christina Seet, principal consultant
Adam Khoo Learning Technologies Group
http://www.akltg.com/
Increasing your charisma through power conversations
An interview was conducted with Tan Swee Heng, director for human resources at Reed Business, to learn about his views on power conversations.
Q: To some, the art of making interesting conversation may not be considered as a critical or what you may call a "heavy-duty" competency to have. Why did you think it was necessary to conduct a training session on power conversations for your staff?
A: Through staff feedback, I found out that those who need to face customers, like the sales staff, felt inadequate particularly in the area of rapport-building and building strong customer relationships. Through this feedback and the awareness that such a competency can be learnt through knowledge acquisition, focus and practice, I decided that such training sessions would be beneficial.
Q: Would such a skill be relevant for everyone or only a particular group of people?
A: Broadly speaking, from an organisational perspective, it is a good skill for everyone in the company to have so that it becomes relatively easy for everyone at every level to be able to strike up a conversation with ease and confidence anytime. One can apply these skills anywhere in the lives, even outside of work. On a narrower scale, I see this as an essential skill for those who have to deal a lot with external agencies, customers and vendors.
With such a skill, good rapport with customers is easily maintained. Your job becomes more enriching without all the unnecessary conflict and stress.
Q: Is this skill, like most others, habit-forming?
A: Yes. To develop the skill to that level where one does not even have to consciously think about it, you'll need focus, consistent and deliberate effort in practising the techniques over a sustained period of time.
