Surviving the corporate jungle

This month, Lee Xieli teaches you how to run a successful office political campaign by greasing your workmates’ elbows the right way.

Apple has done it again. Unsatisfied with inventing the iPhone to halt our productivity levels, it launched the iPad last month to give us a never-ending supply of sanitary product-related jokes.

But I suspect the unhandy touchscreen tablet computer would be useless in giving us wings whenever we need a pick-me-up from our lunch-induced trance. It has a far better use than being another time-wasting device.

It’s a perfect weapon on the corporate battlefield. It’s lightweight enough to fling at anyone who annoys you at work and heavy enough to ensure it hurts on impact.

But just because it is technically possible to do that, it doesn’t mean you can or are allowed to. Take solace that your vivid imagination will be your salvation in the absence of any action.

Yes, welcome to the corporate jungle. If you are new to the rat race, feel free to step out of the office door now and run as fast as you can.

But if you have perfected your chest-beating and jungle-yelping skills after years of swinging through the office grapevine and leaping over hazardous backstabbing knives strewn across various office floors, well done.

These days, just doing your job isn’t enough. You have to show up on time at work, stay later than the rest and be a dependable team player. But that’s not all. Other than churning out results, you have to know how to play the game well if you want to be elevated to a better position. Here’s how you can grease your way upwards.

• Being nice and helpful is generally a good start for any political newbie. Start feigning interest in your colleague’s photo collection of her pet cats neatly displayed over her table. Coo and nod attentively at appropriate pauses even when listening to how cute her cats purr for the umpteenth time.

• Next is cultivating a reputation for granting favours in the workplace. Perhaps ask if the printer needs refilling or if you can fetch lunch for someone who is swamped with work. Doing a good deed here and there for your colleagues can build a neat little goodwill fund for future political string-pulling.

• Have friends in all places. It’s useless being chummy with your boss and other senior management staff if you aren’t friends with their secretaries or personal assistants. How else can you lie in wait for these power players’ for the next free lunch slot?

• Observe and listen to the office grapevine. Reach out to workmates whenever you see them in the pantry for any latest updates about their lives. Or if they are ranting, give them an outlet over instant messaging. But give out as little as possible. Remember, nothing is private once it has been broadcasted over the web. Look at Paris Hilton.

• Forget about resolving workplace conflicts face-to-face. Always put any complaints you have with your workmates
on record. Remember, complaining is only a good outlet when you can CC everyone, including your boss, in the email.

• Never fail to have an after-work activity ready for the star performers. Whether it’s dinner or drinks at the pub, convince everyone that doing such group activities together is good for their personal morale. Not only does it make you look good in front of your boss, you can now pick the brains of these esteemed peers. Come to think of it, they would be much more readily available to provide advice whenever you are in dire need of help in your work.

• Prey on insecure colleagues. Give them the reassurance or positive feedback they crave whenever they come to your desk. Even better is asking your cubicle neighbour to come over and listen to the latest insecurity issue he or she has. That way, you can spread their low self-confidence around and make yourself appear like the ideal concerned co-worker.

• Finally, set reminders in your phone so you will never forget to mix business and pleasure at
every office social event. Eat, drink and be a merry sociable workmate waltzing around the deep connections you have painstakingly cultivated over the months. Avoid making out with your boss or doing any thing you would regret in the morning and who knows, soon you could be the high flying executive you have always dreamed of becoming.

Office political charm, do you have it? Channel the movie The Lion King, if you must. For in the jungle, the mighty jungle, only the survivor sleeps tonight…

You’re too far in to get out now. Get ready to scream.

xielil@humanresourcesonline.net